By Marie Beachdale

Sunday, Jan. 29, 2012, Surfside Beach - Occasionally when I’m working at the restaurant serving a table, a diner will say something to me that is a telltale sign of either the type of customers they will be, or the kind of tip they will leave.

Most of the time, verbal indicators from diners let me know that I can relax and joke around with them. If I sense sarcasm, I know I can give it back to them. If a table starts off by telling me a joke, I know I’m set.

However, there are other times when diners have questions or comments that make me leery of the table from the get-go.

These are 10 examples:

1. “I used to be a server.”This equates to “I can empathize with you; therefore I’m not going to leave you much of a tip.” Why? Wouldn’t you think it would be the other way around? It baffles me that former servers who are now in a different line of work suddenly forget how hard I work to make money.  

When I’m out to eat, I rarely ever tell my server that I wait tables, too. I don’t want to terrify him or her from the get go, thinking I’m going to leave a half-ass tip.

 
2. “What’s your Ranch dressing like?”Well, it’s like Ranch dressing. It’s not a fine wine, and I’ve never met a Ranch dressing connoisseur. If I’m asked this question by a diner, I pretty much assume they’re going to be a pain in the butt, and I’m usually right.

Honestly, why does it matter what the Ranch dressing is like anyway? Side salads aren’t included, and I know when diners ask this they’re only going to use the dressing to smother their French fries in it.

3. “What’s the cheapest thing on the menu?”Seriously? Do I even need to explain this one? You might as well tell your server you’re either a cheapskate or broke, and they shouldn’t expect a tip.

4. That goes hand in hand with “Are refills free?” I somewhat understand this question, as sometimes I’m incredibly thirsty, and I would be out quite a bit of money if I were charged for every Diet Coke I guzzled. But if this is a follow-up question to the former, I know for sure I’m doomed.

5. I’m faced with that same lump-in-the-throat feeling of impending doom when a diner says“I’d like to speak with your manager.” Crap. A million possibilities run through my head. I’m thinking the customer either wants to complain about me or compliment me-- what other reason would they have to not tell me something directly?

6. “Is your sweet tea sweet?”No, we’re lying to you. Yes, our sweet tea is sweet! This is the south, for crying out loud! I personally put an entire pitcher of sugar into the tea urn every morning. It’s a cavity in a cup, don’t worry.

7. Sometimes I will encounter professional soft drink mixologists, who will order beverages like, “Can I have a half and half tea” or “Can I have a Diet Coke topped off with a quarter of regular Coke?” No problem, I will do this for you the first time, but six refills in, when I’m slammed and just got triple-sat, I can’t take time to stress out in the back line making sure I got your beverage perfectly proportioned.

8. Next on the list of worst things to hear is “Our whole party isn’t here yet.” Usually this is followed up by “They’re lost,” or “They just landed at the airport.” Awesome! Because nothing is more fun than having one person out of a party of four taking up one of my tables for two hours waiting on others.

Unfortunately our restaurant doesn’t have the whole “If your entire party isn’t here, we can’t seat you” policy. It’s absolutely miserable when I have a full section and more than one of my tables are waiting on others while I watch the other servers turn their tables.

9. When I am at a table taking drink orders and a diner says “I’ll have a Mello Yello,” I cringe.  This is somewhat of an inside joke at my restaurant-- we don’t serve Mello Yello, and those who order it always seem to be hardcore fans of the beverage.

I once had a little boy - who was part of a disaster of a table - CRYbecause he couldn’t get a Mello Yello. It’s been a joke at the restaurant ever since, if someone orders one and is met with instant disappointment, the table won’t be a good one.

10. Finally, the worst thing a server can possibly hear (and this might sound strange), is “You did such a great job! We really appreciate you, thank you!” An over-the-top statement of gratitude like this is what I like to call the “verbal tip”.

The idea behind the verbal tip is absolutely great-- make the server feel SO good and appreciated that they won’t even realize you only tipped 5%. Good idea in theory, but when I pay my rent, I can’t really tell my landlord “Here’s $743 and ‘We really enjoyed your service’.” I just don’t think that would fly.

Hearing one of these questions or comments from a diner doesn’t always mean I should prepare for the worst, but is usually a pretty good sign that taking care of them might not be the greatest experience.  As a rule, servers generally try not to judge a table from the get-go, but as I’m sure any long-time waitress can tell you, we develop a sixth sense about people and can assess them just by the little things they say.
 

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