By Marie Beachdale

Sunday, Feb. 5, 2012, Surfside Beach - We've all been reading lists about what people of various occupations and backgrounds do say, but today I'm turning that upside down and declaring my list of shit you'll NEVER hear servers say.

1.  “It’s cool, no tip is necessary!” You’ll never hear a server say this, for obvious reasons, but that doesn’t mean we won’t think it every now and then. At least I do, anyway.

If it seems to me that a family is struggling financially, I’m always so tempted to say this to them, but I would hate to make assumptions and possibly offend someone.

I honestly hate expecting money from people… but if I didn’t, how would I ever get by?

2. “Working this double will be SO MUCH FUN!” If I ever hear a server say this, I will slap them. For those not hip with server terminology-- a double is just what it sounds like, two shifts in a row, usually meaning open to close.

Doubles are excruciating. Yes, you’ll go home with tons of money, but you will also leave exhausted.  And people wonder why servers like to drink.

3. “Can you triple-seat me, I’m kind of bored” Nope, you’ll never hear that.  Being triple-sat means getting three new tables in your section at the same time. Usually this happens while the rest of your section is completely full, so it can make things a little bit stressful, to say the least.

Unless this statement is coming out of the alpha bitch’s mouth so she can try to look like a hero, I’m pretty sure no server would ever say this. Not even the night before rent is due.

4. “Can you pay in coins? I’m running low on change.” Before I started waiting tables, I never knew anyone who carried around $13 in change in a Ziploc bag, but people actually do.  Modern technology is awesome, and I would love to tell these diners about the wonders of machines like Coinstar, but they usually fly out of the restaurant before I even know they’ve left money on the table.  

Sure, I can turn the coins in at the end of my shift for cash, it’s not about that. The problem lies in the fact that counting out a ton of change is time consuming in the middle of a rush.

5. “I’m never in the weeds.” Sure, a server might say this… but they’re lying. I’m willing to put money on the fact that at some point in time, every server in the world has been totally overwhelmed and unable to keep up with the pace of the restaurant.  

Being “weeded” is often the result of being triple-sat, having a large party, or mishaps in the kitchen… but it can also happen from something as simple as taking two minutes to go to the bathroom.  

6. “I don’t want a cigarette.” Okay, so if you’re not a smoker technically you would really say this… but 99% of my coworkers smoke cigarettes, and when the opportunity arises for a smoke break, it’s almost a fight to the death to decide who gets to take one first.

I’ve seen servers (myself included) almost quit their job because they are stressed and can’t smoke. It’s intense.

7. “The kitchen made extra food? No, I don’t want it.” Yeah right! If any extra food comes out of the kitchen, servers will circle like vultures until every last crumb is gone. No server ever wants to pay to eat at the restaurant where he or she works…. But freebies are a totally different story.

8. “Can you please schedule me to close, then open?” Close then open shifts (or “clopens” as some of my server friends have dubbed them) are almost as bad as working doubles. Sometimes it feels like you might as well just camp out in the storage room for the night, because by the time you get home it’s time to turn around and come right back.  It’s not fun.  

There you have it-- shit servers never say.  If you ever hear any of these words out of a server’s mouth, please take note. Pigs - or maybe the whole barnyard - might be flying.

Want to read more columns from The Sassy Server? Click here.

Want to contact The Sassy Server?  This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .

You can follow The Sassy Server on Twitter at @ASassyServer.